this year, I went back to therapy…

First of all, I acknowledge that it has been a while since I have submitted a blog. I thought there was no better way to enter back into this space than to talk about me deciding to return to therapy, & open up to you about my journey. I have been in therapy in the past, mostly discussing & working thru grief, romantic relationship difficulties/hurt, & navigating/healing from my parental relationships/issues. All that good stuff!

This time, however, I felt a pull to address some other concerns. Some things I have never addressed in therapy, ever. Things that life’s lessons & experiences have called me to focus on within this last year, but now… it was calling me to take it a bit more serious. In other words, it was time for some help.

Reasons listed for seeking therapy:

People pleasing. Setting boundaries. Issues with infidelity, which connects to my issues with self-control & impulsivity.

Whew. All of these issues are separate, yet also relate & build on one another. But baby, where do I begin? I’ll start with telling you about how it felt good to admit some things that I have never admitted to a person before. It was a genuine relief. I opened up. I was honest. I cried. I released some pain that I had been holding on to & carrying with me for over 20 years. While I have been aware of them, & begin the work of healing thru it on my own accord, it was so powerful to lay it all on the table & actually ask for additional guidance with my healing journey. Mind you, this was only the first few sessions, & what a time it has been. Again, I say…whew!

The people pleasing. It shows up in many layers. Primarily, though, I choose to put people’s thoughts, feelings, & perceptions of who I am before my own. I am led by it. I sometimes make decisions based on it. So I could avoid an entire interaction or conversation because I am more concerned about how it would make the person feel, in general, but more specifically about me. In conversation, I could choose to change the wording of something, withhold information, or not be completely truthful because again, I am more concerned of the outcome &/or reactions.

My first therapy session taught me that according the different types of cognitive distortion (irrational thought patterns that twist reality), my actions align with overgeneralization & jumping-to-conclusion. Overgeneralization is the viewing of negative events as a never-ending pattern of defeat. Jumping-to-conclusions is a cross between assuming that people are reacting negatively to you when there’s no definite evidence, & arbitrarily predicting things will turn out badly. I could not agree more. While these ways of thinking were rooted in the wanting to please others, it was also trying to perceive the outcome & prevent discomfort.

One revelation that I received from this session is that, I was unconsciously scared of people’s idea of me changing. I wanted to control people’s ideology of me. Girl, please. Why did I operate this way, you may ask? Unhealed trauma, of course. From being raised by a people pleasure (my mother) to the internalization of years of people’s negative responses, judgment, opinions, guilt tripping, manipulation, etc. So to be honest, it was really a way to protect myself from other people’s shit.

I know that was a lot, but we are here now. Me writing this & me allowing you to read this about me is a testament to my genuine desire to give a fuck less. I have set the intentions to release my desire to control how people feel, think, & perceive me. Hell … how do I feel, think, & perceive me? That is what is most important, first.

Now that I said alllll of that, you can imagine the difficulty I have with setting boundaries. It ties with me not wanting people’s idea of me to change. So there are many times in my life where I did not speak up for myself, where I did not say, “No”, &/or where I did not call someone out on there bullshit. “If I say something, I don’t want things to…..” Or,“If I say “No”, I don’t want them to think….” Girl, fuck that.

Not to say I do not care about how my actions/words impact others. It is more so that two things can exist at once. I can care about your feelings & still let you know that I do not like the way you move. I can consider your feelings & still say, “No”. Practicing boundaries. My emotional, mental, & physical safety is a priority. Therefore, if you do not feel the same, you actually don’t even have to hear from me again. We’re working on it.

Now… to really get into some shit. This next truth-telling is a little difficult to admit; nonetheless, I will be as transparent as I have about the other topics. Because they also play a role in my inability to fully commit & remain faithful in any romantic relationship I have had in this lifetime. I mean, from high school to my adult relationships. I know. It is also a lot. I admit it. Emotional cheating. Physical cheating. “Just a kiss” cheating". “Entertaining them hoes” cheating. “Upholding multiple relationships at one time (& they all did not know about one other)” type cheating. Yeah, wild shit. I think the most relationships I’ve had was three/four, & while some found out about the other, they never found about allll of them.

Listen, that is why we are back in therapy. While it may be long overdue, we are doing the work. Unpacking all of this shit.

If I want to keep it plain, & I mean really plain … I love them hoes, & them hoes love me. There, I said it. While there are many layers to the reasons behind my actions, that is a book to write later in life. But today, I want to focus specifically on the layers of which I have already spoken about. For one, I am a flirt. That was hard for me to recon with for a while. Here we are. I love flirting, & I am damn good at it. I love making someone feel good. I love making people smile. I love pleasing. No surprises, right? But what I love even more, is when someone is flirting with me. It is honestly my weakness.

So with everything we have calculated so far…. how can a ‘people pleasing, lack of boundary setting’ muthafucka really refrain from participating in something that makes me weak?

To put the icing on the cake, let’s add this last layer of unhinged behavior. My lack of self-control & impulsive behavior.

My impulsive behavior shows up in a form of doing things in the moment without any regard to the impact. Or, it can also show up with an awareness of the impact or consequences, & decide that the moment is worth the consequence. Because see, my immunity to the idea of a punishment or consequence changed a very long time ago. I was somewhat a rebellious teenager, starting around the age of 14. I was sneaking out of the house, sneaking people in the house, you know … that type of shit. Plus whatever else that may have happened that resulted in me getting my phone taken, or at some point, the keys to my car. Let me be honest with you, at some point the “punishments” no longer faced me. I would just adapt. I would find other ways to communicate with people, find other things to do with my time, etc. So if you asked me if the moment was worth the consequence? The answer would be “Hell yeah!”

To go on a small side tangent (but still relevant) — in my adult life, especially after studying Forensic Psychology, I have been challenged to wonder if punishment is really even effective. Is it about punishment or is about a solution? Is about the impact of the consequence or is about working towards changed behavior or making better choices? Consequences can sometimes only be a temporary fix.

Anywho…. I’m back.

Then, you combine all of that with my fear of my partner’s idea of me changing. The fear of them leaving or judging if I even told them that I was interested in keeping someone else company. The anxiety that if I tell the truth, then I will continue to be misunderstood or not accepted. Yes, I honor & consider that it is something that you may not agree with or believe in. So then I’m forced to pretend or choose to not control myself because my desire is larger than what you do not approve of. I have acted upon many desires & then handed consequences of being without them or never to behave in this way again. Just about every time, I have chosen the challenge of attempting to not behave in such a way. Have I been successful? More no than yes.

Because I was then pretending. I was pretending not to feel the ways that I do & not want the things that I do want. I was forced to ignore, instead of working thru it. Which then turns into a pattern of behavior. I ignore, ignore, & ignore again. Until … the desire is stronger. It’s too strong to ignore so now the cycle gets repeated.

That’s some honesty for your ass.

To extent it further, it is also learned behavior from the men who raised. My father. My grandfather. My uncle. My great uncles. My cousins. Them niggas did not show me what it truly means to be in a monogamous relationship. They did (& still do) everything but that.

It is difficult to practice self-control when I am battling with what I want/what I want to do in the moment versus what I know I should (or should not) be doing. Which is why the habit of me cheating was always so easy.

Let me frame this real quick. If I’m forced to fight my desire, because I have to consider the risk/consequence, & then somehow set the proper boundaries & say “No” to whatever is being offered …. due to years of choosing to stick to what was easier & familiar, it is unrealistic. It has been unrealistic to practice change when I have not been given the tools (or the desire) to do so. It was the only way I knew how to be. These are habits/patterns that has been for over 20 years, & I am not exaggerating.

So … here. we. are. Coming to you live from the unhealed heart & mind of someone who is healing, working, reframing, learning, & unlearning how to do things, differently. Do I know all of what that means & what it will look like? Absolutely not. But I am willing & ready to try.

I hold grace & space for the journey I have survived. I also hold grace & space for the long journey that is ahead. Hold me accountable, if you may. I’m excited for the work that is being done. I’m excited to share more. I’m excited to learn better, & practice better.

Thank you for unpacking with me. Judge your mother.